Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.
What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
What's an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because it was in the audit plan.
Why did the auditor get run over crossing the road?
Auditors never do risk assessment well until after the accident happens.
There are three kinds of accountants in the world:
those who can count and those who can't.
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
Where do homeless accountants live?
In a tax shelter.
Why did God create actuaries?
So that accountants could think they had personality.
You might be taking accounting too seriously , if:
- You can't wait to do your own tax return.
- You think the GAP store at the mall sells accounting standards.
- You cheer at the Oscars when they announce the accounting firm in charge of the envelopes.
- You do an NPV calculation before deciding not to have children.
- You can explain the difference between "downsizing", "right > sizing", "re-engineering" and "firing people".
- Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.
- You schedule a meeting with your spouse to discuss the past year's performance.
Useful work phrases:
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
How about never? Is never good for you?
You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
Are you such a ray of sunshine every day?
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Article to an up-coming issue